Bad Pop!

Cascada - “Pyromania” I’m pretty sure...

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:46:05 -0500

Cascada - “Pyromania”

I’m pretty sure I’ll never run out of material to post on this blog so long as Cascada keeps making music. The sad part, though, is that I really can’t get enough of her music. It’s awful, pointless, and usually derivative, but I can’t stop listening.

This song’s no different: I don’t really know what pyromania has to do with anything. So she’s “turning up the heat,” which makes her a pyromaniac? Whatevs. There are more important things to discuss here—like this video.

First of all, the first five seconds are a total rip-off of “Poker Face.” Second of all, what the hell is up with the male models wearing oversized black space helmets? And why are their mouths glowing? I’m starting to believe that Cascada is actually a gay man trapped in the body of a German woman with awful hair, because only a homo could think of something so ridiculously random and irresistible.

Enrique Iglesias - “Bailamos” I don’t know...

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:36:57 -0500

Enrique Iglesias - “Bailamos”

I don’t know who decided that it would be a good idea to release this bilingual song as a single, but whoever they are, they’re a genius. Easily the best use of Spanish in pop music since Madonna decided she was Latina.

If Enrique asked me to dance with him, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. I’d baila ‘til I could baila no more. Te quiero, amor mio.

Rihanna - “Umbrella” This song is amazing enough on...

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 23:05:46 -0500

Rihanna - “Umbrella”

This song is amazing enough on its own, and the video just makes it that much more incredible. It’s gritty, it’s leathery, it’s shiny, it’s super-sexy, and then BAM — she’s splashing around in water and dancing in a downpour of glitter. It’s like a gay gangsta’s wet dream.

Then there’s the two-tone orange-and-white scene with Rihanna dancing around in a hybrid tuxedo/French maid outfit. I can’t put into words why it’s so fantastic — it just is.

And there’s more! Now it’s all black-and-white, and Rihanna’s naked body is covered in metallic body paint! There’s so much going on in this video, it’s kinda hard not to love it. You’re practically guaranteed to be entertained the whole time.

It’s all very fitting for a hugely popular song that redefined the way people pronounced “umbrella” for a year.

September - “Cry For You” Best Swedish dance-pop...

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:50:00 -0500

September - “Cry For You”

Best Swedish dance-pop song ever created? I think so.

I fell in love with September because of this song, and now I’m hopelessly addicted to her infectious brand of disco-infused dance music. I’m not ashamed of it. I’d stand on the rooftop and declare my love for September if I could, but my apartment building doesn’t have roof access.

It’s a true shame this song didn’t catch on in the U.S. It’s a great, catchy pop song, but unfortunately, U.S. audiences seem to hate foreign pop artists.

Britney Spears - “Boys” This video. This video. Is...

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 23:18:37 -0500

Britney Spears - “Boys”

This video. This video. Is there a better, more random selection of guys than DJ Qualls, Pharrell, and Austin Powers? I’m gonna say NO. The girl knows not to take herself too seriously, and I like that in a pop obsession. Wait… and was that Jason Priestly? How many famous guys are in this video?

This used to be one of my least-favorite Britney songs, but it’s really grown on me. Interesting side-note: I cheered in the theater when Britney’s head blew up at the end of this song during the third “Austin Powers” movie. I used to hate her with a passion, but that hatred has blossomed into an unhealthy, obsessive love :)

Vanessa Hudgens - “Sneakernight” I love Vanessa...

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:49:33 -0500

Vanessa Hudgens - “Sneakernight”

I love Vanessa Hudgens — a lot — but really? A song about dancing in sneakers? Clearly Disney isn’t paying for good songwriters.

Poor Vanessa needs to break free from the Mouse House and put out songs that are more complex than simply “Basically what we’re gonna do is dance.” Sure, it’s catchy, and fun to listen to, but it’s also complete crap. It lacks the personality and tween-esque attitude that her previous songs had. Good thing I have horrible tastes and can usually convince myself that the crap I listen to is worth listening.

You lucked out this time, Vanessa. The next time you release something like this? Not so much.

Black Eyed Peas - “Hey Mama” Whoa. There is some...

Sun, 17 Jan 2010 20:55:07 -0500

Black Eyed Peas - “Hey Mama”

Whoa. There is some serious crunking going on in this video. It kinda makes me wish I could do that. Then again, I’m happy with my limbs as they are (that is to say they have normal joints and only move in normal ways).

There’s also some pretty sweet green screen action going on here, too. For some reason, I really love the parts when they’re dancing on the big 3D words. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s still fun. Then again, anything’s fun after the crapfest that was “Where Is The Love?” WTF was that shit? Worst song ever. This song, on the other hand, is much more meaningful and really speaks to me in ways that “Where Is The Love?” never will.

I’m gonna go get that shit that makes me move.

Cascada - “Miracle” It’s no secret that I...

Sun, 17 Jan 2010 20:46:00 -0500

Cascada - “Miracle”

It’s no secret that I love shiteous dance music. And this song is like the best horrible dance song ever made. It’s got a nice, strong beat to back up those deep, meaningful lyrics about love or some stupid shit like that.

The real clincher, though, is this gem of a lyric right here: “You cheated on me from behind.”

Sure, it means to imply that Cascada’s boyfriend cheated on her behind her back, but in my mind, it’s saying that he cheated on her from behind. As in butt sex. And call me immature, but I think that’s hilarious.

Now if you’ll excuse me, the ecstasy I took is kicking in, and I have a Cascada party to go to.

P.S. How amazing is that dance break in the middle of the song where she insists on repeating the word “miracle” over and over again? It’s like she’s reminding you which of her completely identical songs you’re actually listening to. ‘Cause it’s hard to keep track sometimes :)

Backstreet Boys - “I Want It That Way” When I think...

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:16:50 -0500

Backstreet Boys - “I Want It That Way”

When I think of boy bands—BSB in particular—this craptastic video immediately comes to mind.

You know you’ve seen it before a thousand times. The boys are looking mighty sexy in their matching outfits, pouring their hearts out with those meaningful lyrics. No one has ever looked better dancing in front of a private jet with their name on it. And OMG guyz, they even show their fans in the video! BSB 4evr!

I still find it hard to believe that any of the guys took this shit seriously. And that’s why I still love it 100%.

Mariah Carey - “Always Be My Baby” Ah, the...

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:02:59 -0500

Mariah Carey - “Always Be My Baby”

Ah, the ’90s. If only I weren’t too hopped up on Jolly Ranchers and hormones the whole ten years, I’d be able to remember that wonderful decade a little better.

Good thing I can listen to “Always Be My Baby” and musically transport myself to a time when singers knew how to sing and Mariah still knew how to toe that delicate line between sexy and slutty (hint: it involves belly shirts and tire swings).

Rihanna - “Hard” I’m pretty much in love with...

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:28:56 -0500

Rihanna - “Hard”

I’m pretty much in love with this song right now. I’m not sure why (I hated it the first time I heard it). But it’s definitely grown on me. Maybe it’s the beat. Maybe it’s Rihanna’s feisty attitude. Or maybe it’s this damn sexy video that features Rihanna combining the three best things in the world: High fashion, sexiness, and gangsta-ness.

Yes, I just wrote that

It’s true, though. The only thing not awesome about this video is Rihanna’s eyebrows. But I’m willing to forgive the girl because that flesh-colored outfit with the taped-over-nipple look is floating my boat for sure.

OK, so the scene where she’s rolling around in the mud is a little questionable. But it never hurt anyone to get a little dirty every once in a while. Besides, the mud helps cover up the scars from when Chris Brown kicked her ass.

Ohhhh. Too soon? ;)

Vanessa Williams - “Colors of the Wind” I was never...

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:19:45 -0500

Vanessa Williams - “Colors of the Wind”

I was never a big “Pocahontas” fan (In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the movie all the way through), but this song—it gets in your head and stays there. Growing up, it got stuck in my head every single time I heard it. So that was awesome.

The lyrics have always bothered me the most, though. “Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?” No. I haven’t. I don’t even know what a blue corn moon is. “Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?” No. I can’t. Because the mountains don’t have voices. Why does it make me a terrible person simply because I’m a whitey who doesn’t believe that the mountains have voices or that the wind has colors?

So shut up. I’m going to kill you and steal all your land, Pocahontas — because you’re different and weird!

Paris Hilton - “Nothing in This World” This is,...

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 23:46:02 -0500

Paris Hilton - “Nothing in This World”

This is, beyond all doubt, the guiltiest of all my guilty pleasures.

I don’t know what it is, but I really love this song, and I kinda like Paris Hilton a little more because of it. In fact, I’m actually looking forward to the day that she releases a second album. Gross, right? I can’t help myself.

This song is just so damn fantastic. And the video? Well, it’s also fantastic — in a completely laughable way. It does, after all, feature Paris looking skanky, which is pretty much what she does best. She also looks a little classy, though, when she’s writing around, wearing a diamond necklace in a high school football team’s locker room.

It’s pretty much a straight man’s erotic fantasy played out in the music video for a catchy pop song. What’s not to like?

Fastball - “Out of My Head” The first CD I ever...

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 23:35:08 -0500

Fastball - “Out of My Head”

The first CD I ever bought was a Fastball CD. I also bought a SmashMouth CD at the same time, so clearly I was in the midst of a serious lapse in my mental state.

That said, this song (as well as “The Way”) is still an amazing song. I’m instantly transported back to my early- and mid-teens — back when I had no idea what this album’s name (“All the Pain Money Can Buy”) even meant.

Where were you when Fastball rose to semi-stardom? I wonder if they’re still around? And does anyone really care? Were there ever any die-hard “Fastball” fans, besides the teenaged losers who bought their CDs simply because they liked the band’s two singles?

Madonna - “Music” I don’t even know what to...

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 20:02:13 -0500

Madonna - “Music”

I don’t even know what to say about this video. It has Ali G in it, which is interesting, because at the time I had no idea who he even was. Now I know, so I feel like I can appreciate the video’s humor a little more.

But WTF is up with that weird cartoon interlude? I see now where Britney Spears got the idea to animate a couple of her videos, but Cartoon Madonna is ugly, and it doesn’t make sense to randomly throw it into the middle of the video like that. But that’s just me.

Also: Did they exaggerate the gap in her teeth to make her look more ridiculous? Or is it just more noticeable here? Either way, I love it. She’s so gangsta — and dykey — in this video. If I were a stripper, I’d want Madonna to come to the strip club I danced at. Too bad I don’t have titties for her to throw dollar bills at…

Shaggy - “It Wasn’t Me” I’m not sure...

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:37:25 -0500

Shaggy - “It Wasn’t Me”

I’m not sure why in high school I loved this song about infidelity, but I did. I really, really did. And I sang along even though I’m 0% Jamaican and 0% interested in cheating on anyone.

I clearly wasn’t the only one, though. Plenty of other honkies were jumping on the Shaggy bandwagon at the same time I was, and you could say this song was a bona fide hit. And you know what’s more surprising than the fact that people liked it? The fact that Shaggy went on to have more hits after this one.

If anyone was destined to be a one-hit wonder, it was Shaggy — but no, he had to keep makin’ those wonderful songs about being Jamaican and smoking pot.

Britney Spears - “Piece of Me” This is one of my...

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:27:30 -0500

Britney Spears - “Piece of Me”

This is one of my top five Britney songs of all time. How could it not be? From that opening grinding baseline to the “fuck you” lyrics directed at the paparazzi, it’s 100% amazing and 100% Britney.

Thank god it has a good video. But the interesting thing about the video to me is this: It’s a great clip, but imagine what it would have been like if Britney hadn’t been in such a poor mental state at the time. If she can make a video this great when she’s not in her prime… Well, I think this makes it clear that we can still expect great things from Lady Spears.

I’m gonna sit here and wait to see what she has up her sleeve next. You know it’s going to be good.

Mandy Moore - “Crush” Who knew that such a simple,...

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:17:35 -0500

Mandy Moore - “Crush”

Who knew that such a simple, lame statement like “I have a crush on you” could make such an amazing pop song? Mandy might be ashamed of the music she put out early in her career, but I love it. It’s fantastically awful — I like that in a song, clearly.

If you were in middle school or high school when this song came out, I’d be wiling to bet money that you either sang along in the mirror or sang along with your one true love in mind. Now your “one true love” is a fat loser who works at Burger King, but that’s another topic completely.

For now, let’s revel in the pop magic that is young love.

Destiny’s Child - “Lose My Breath” If...

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 23:25:49 -0500

Destiny’s Child - “Lose My Breath”

If there’s one thing you can count on from Destiny’s Child, it’s awesomely bad costumes. And awesomely bad videos.

And let me tell you: they totally delivered with this one. Not only are they wearing more awful costumes than you can shake your weave at, but they’re dance-fighting with themselves! All of my wildest dreams came true with this video.

Aside from being a visual piece of art, it’s also my favorite Destiny’s Child song because of that fantastically danceable beat, and I could watch/listen to this all day long.

Nick Lachey - “What’s Left of Me” OK, so...

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 23:17:27 -0500

Nick Lachey - “What’s Left of Me”

OK, so what’s funnier than the fact that Nick Lachey keeps trying to be a bigger star than he ever has or ever will be?

The fact that he came out with this 100% transparent and pathetic ballad about how damaged he is after Jessica Simpson left him. Oh my god, can you get any sexier than that? I totally want to jump his whiny bone so he can open up to me about much Jessica hurt him.

Barrrrrrrrf. You used to be hot before this crap fell out of your mouth, Nick. Go host a shitty singing competition on NBC that nobody watches.