Christina Aguilera - “I Turn To You”

So many things about this video are so terribly, terribly, amazingly awful.

For starters, those creepy, ice-blue eyes of hers aren’t real, right? No one’s eyes are that blue (or that terrifying).

Second, why is she waving her arms around so much? No one needs to reach for the sky that often during one song, unless you’re Mariah Carey and your arms actually help you sing. Which might be the case with Xtina. Who knows?

Finally, WTF is up with the awful (and completely unrelated) sidestory of a girl getting in a car accident? This is neither relevant to the song nor interesting at all. I don’t care about this ugly girl and her clingy mom; I just want to see Christina sing the shit out of this ballad, thankyouverymuch. Cut the crap and get down to business!

The shots of Christina in the rain and Christina on a rooftop are the only parts of the video that matter.

Christina Aguilera - “Beautiful”

Oh my god! Two boys are kissing! Boycott Christina Aquilera!

Seriously, what’s the big deal?

Also… This was a great song until 1) it got overplayed, and 2) people started adopting it as their personal anthems. If I never see another MySpace profile of an ugly homo or lonely teen girl plastered with this song and its lyrics, I’ll die a happy man.

Christina Aguilera - “Dirrty”

This song and video pretty much destroyed any semblance of innocence Christina had left after her first album. And I’m OK with that. Xtina was way more fun and exciting once she stopped being who her management was telling her to be (OK, so I might be a little biased after watching the recent E! special on Christina).

Anyway… This video is amazing because of how nasty it is. I mean, she’s not even a little bit attractive in her greased-up hair/body and ridiculously heavy eye makeup. But I’d totally sex her anyway, and I don’t like vag.

Christina Aguilera - “Genie in a Bottle”

Aw, a song about not giving up your virginity. Yet the video… Well… It seems to me that Christina, with all her gyrating, flirting and wearing of revealing clothing, is just daring you (or the guy in the video) to take her viginity. I mean, come on… writhing around on the hood of a car? And how about that “rubbing” dance move when she sings “rub me the right way”? Love it!

If you love “Genie in a Bottle,” then you’ll probably also love Christina’s updated version from her greatest hits album: “Genie 2.0.” It’s delicious.