Jessica Simpson - “I Think I’m In Love With You”

First of all, it’s already amazing that Jessica Simpson is sampling John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Jack and Diane.” Because when I think tween hit single, John Mellencamp definitely comes to mind… In the ’80s.

Anyway… Isn’t this video just deliciously awful? The boardwalk carnival, the sexy moving-guy backup dancers. And how about all the closeup shots of Jessica caressing herself? 100 percent appropriate, for sure.

Also, I think the choreographer for my high school’s dance team worked on this video. If not, then she should definitely sue Jessica for stealing her awe-inspiring dance moves.

Jessica Simpson - “I Wanna Love You Forever”

This video makes complete sense. Why wouldn’t Jessica be standing in front of an old-fashioned airplane?

Sure, she’s supposed to be in a photoshoot or something, but what kind of shoot is this? A field of fake sunflowers? A fake desert landscape full of fake cacti? And now she’s standing in front of a fake ocean with lots of dramatic lighting!

Then when you factor in all the sporadic black-and-white shots, it becomes clear that this is definitely the most artful music video ever made.

P.S. I think I’m just realizing just how huge her mouth is.

Jessica Simpson - “A Little Bit”

This is my favorite Jessica Simpson video ever made, for sure. Well, “I Belong to Me” is probably my real favorite, but this one definitely wins the award for being the most hilarious.

My favorite part is the way she’s lip-synching. Who told her to jut her bottom jaw out like she has an underbite? I’m pretty sure she’s trying to look sexy while singing and dancing in front of that blue screen, but she just looks retarded.